Call Me Clementine

Hello.

It's been awhile hasn't it? There's good reason for that.
I'll make a very long story a (somewhat) short one. 

I had a very interesting past couple weeks.... Over two weeks ago, an incident happened at my host family's house which made me incredibly upset. Now stuff has been building up for over a month, but I had tried coping with it in different ways. But the way I was coping with it, first off, wasn't a means to cope at all, and secondly, it was only making the situation a whole lot worse. I ended up leaving the house that particular evening in order to cool down and think things over. I continued thinking things over for the remainder of the week, and well...things certainly didn't get any better. I guess you could say shit hit the fan. By Friday night I decided that I could not live in the house any longer. Either I was going to move houses or I would leave the program.

If you could only have seen the emotional trauma I went through that week. It was probably one of the worst weeks of my life, if not the worst. From Sunday (day of said incident) to Saturday I spent each moment in that house incredibly stressed, anxious, and uncomfortable. I have never felt so uncomfortable and not in control of a situation as I did then.... But after waiting a week for my supervisors to come to any concrete decision, I ended up taking things into my own hands and just left the house Saturday evening. Thanksgiving Sunday, I officially moved out of the house. And what a horrible hour that was. I felt awful. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The family didn't see it coming, and it was painful not being in the right place to explain why to them. But all I knew was that I wouldn't have been able to take any more emotional damage caused by me being there...and I had to think of myself for once. I guess you could say it was a matter of my sanity and, ultimately, health....

SO! I spent Thanksgiving day with my supervisor Claire and my CP. It was nice being away from Camrose, but at the same time I can't say I enjoyed the weekend either. I felt guilty the entire time. That, and I hated not knowing where I was going to be living. It wasn't the best timing either, as the day after Thanksgiving the entire group was supposed to leave for four days on a Midproject Camp. So thus I continued another week of discomfort, not knowing where I was going or what was going to happen...

Let's fast forward a bit. Following Midproject, my CP and I moved into our new home Friday evening. And all I can say for now regarding my new home is, so far...so good.... 

Sorry if I've been sounding a bit vague. I don't think it's appropriate to divulge the details of what went down exactly. I can say now though that I believe I've made the right decision (for a number of reasons). The first, and probably most important, is I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I don't need to check myself into a mental asylum just yet. Secondly, things have improved incredibly with my CP. And by incredibly I mean we talk to each other now!! Thirdly, I feel more at peace than I have felt in awhile....well as much peace as one can get on this program anyways...

So, we're kind of up to date but also very far from. Though things are going better on the host family and CP fronts, things are far from ideal regarding everything else. I wish I could explain to you exactly what is going on, but I have no idea where to start. I have never had to face so many different emotionally exhausting situations at the same time, as I have these past few weeks. As soon as I believe myself to be at the point of just barely coping...another one gets added to the mix. It makes me wonder what my limits actually are. I've never given up on something, but there have been many times in this past while that I have thought about leaving this all behind. Oh home. How I miss you.

Ok. I'm going to try again. I want you all to read this article.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/07/13/AR2007071301714.html

What did you feel when you read it? Any thoughts?

Well, my first thought was that a few months back, I could probably relate to that perky, blonde college student...minus the blonde...and the perky.
Afterwards though I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I could relate to that blonde at one point, and that I was guilty for being sucked into believing, without question, the West's portrayal of Africa. Then came the anger. The nerve of these 'wealthy, white' people...these celebrities, and how they take it upon themselves (as they are the obviously the only ones capable of doing so) to save the entire African nation(s). Why why why is it that all that is being portrayed is death, disease, poverty, and starvation...?? And, as the author brings to attention, was it not the West that brought these afflicitions in the first place? How dare the people who pave the way for calamity claim they have the means to help said people out of it.

But then I was confused...and just a little bit annoyed. Well yes I was annoyed with the entire Western World, but also with the author of the article, and those that share the same sentiments. Take note of the paragraph where he mentions the West being 'wracked by the guilt' and how some of those very people are being spurned to act on that guilt by taking up internships. Maybe I was annoyed because it applies to me, but a huge part of it now has to do with the issues that are arising within this program.

Let me explain. As you know, it is South Africans here along with Canadians on the exchange. All of us have heard of apartheid and that it's ending is fairly recent in relation to major historical events...but let me tell you, the effects of it are far from removed. This is an obvious statement I realize, but I am learning day by day just how much of an effect it has had on the people...and I have yet to leave for South Africa! Although most of the girls were very young when apartheid ended, it dictated the lives of their parents and has left quite the mark on them...as a result the damage done, and the ingrained bitterness, hatred, and pain felt by one generation is passed on to the next. Needless to say, this bitterness, hatred, and pain is starting to surface in the group. Don't get me wrong. I believe more than anything that people have the right to heal and process as they must...how can anyone forget such unjust so easily? But the way it's been surfacing is just....well, it's causing a lot more division, pain and discomfort amongst the group. 

Back to the article and this idea of 'guilt'. Have you ever heard of the term 'white guilt' or 'white privilege' before? Well, I hadn't. What about oppression? Sure we've all heard of oppression, but when's the last time you sat back and thought about how you've oppressed others, or how you were being oppressed. Now take these topics and imagine the group of us, 18 very different girls, trying to come to terms with them. Complete disaster.
What I see happening is something not unlike  'reverse racism'...or let me make up a new term: reverse oppression. There are those in the group now (white/western/whatever the hell you want to call it) that are feeling voiceless...labelled...and dare I say, oppressed. Though it is these very people that are supposed to be the oppressors. 


Statements have been made that as a 'white' person, you have to own up to the responsibility that comes with your race...own and up accept the 'white guilt' and 'privilege'. But what are we owning up to? I'm as brown as brown gets, yet I have just as much privilege as the next Canadian, or so I naively like to believe. But, does that mean that this owning up also applies to myself? Needless to say, it's being brought up as an issue of white versus black. And now people are starting to feel attacked, and that they have no right to speak as they weren't the ones oppressed. And it's making me very angry. But where do I fall in? I'm neither black nor white.  Why should I be so upset if I'm not even included in the issue. I think the reason is that when I feel something unjust is being done to someone else I won't stand for it. I know what happened during the apartheid is unforgivable, and the separation between the white/coloured/black classes seems like an unending chasm. But is labeling others, and making them feel incredibly little helping the situation at all? THIS. IS. SO. FRUSTRATING.

Is this making any sense to you? I doubt it. It barely makes sense to me.

On a lighter note, my sister visited me this weekend. I have to say...it was probably the first time I felt happy since I've been here. That and sane. The entire weekend I was calm and at peace with things..she visited at precisely the right time. I love my sister. Very much. We also talked wedding (tabby's tying the knot next year!) which was a nice change of pace . That and boys. Or the lack of men and abundance of boys rather... It's comforting to know that at least one of us has gotten it figured out. 

Anyways. I'm going to end here. But lucky for you...I'm going to post two songs instead of one. It's only fair as this is two weeks in coming. I've also figured out how to embed videos (I think?). So I need the practice.

Song #1: Sarah Jaffe's 'Clementine'. It's been my anthem for the past two weeks. I love this girl. What I would give to write like she does. '50 I'm going to change my minds'...'I wish I was a little more delicate'....pure genius.

Song #2: Beirut's 'Scenic World' (accordion version)
This song and video make me happy. And that is reason enough to post it. Do yourself a favour and watch it.



Goodnight everyone.

I still miss you all.

A Record of Feelings (Part 2)

I'm not feeling particularly inspired this evening. But if I don't write now, then I probably won't for quite awhile and I barely remember how I felt a week ago as it is....

This post is supposed to be on feelings...so here goes.

 There have been quite a few moments over the past couple weeks where I have questioned why I am here, and considered (though fleetingly) how I might be able to just leave... I'm not quite sure if I'm happy here. For the moment I'm content, but life wasn't meant to be lived contentedly. I'd rather be living out an extreme....

 Some things that have contributed to my feeling this way have been the group itself and all the issues that come with it. From my first week in Camrose I have felt that there were some girls in particular that had less interest or drive to be in the program. Now over a month in and that feeling hasn't changed one bit. If anything their attitude seems to have gotten worse....
Normally I wouldn't be bothered by people's disinterest..but when it's in a situation like this, where a group functions only through active participation from everyone, it really starts to take its toll. That and when I consider what I gave up back home to be here...and that I am giving my all in this program, it makes me more than a little pissed. If I could know the reasons for why people are here in the first place....was it to experience a new way of life, to give to community, or was it a free ticket out of the country? The whole group is being affected by what's going on. And honestly speaking, I'm not sure how long I can tolerate the lack of interest and presence that some people are showing....to me the way people are treating this program is just disrespectful to those in the group that want to be here...

 Another thing that ties in with this issue is the division that has formed within the group. I guess this should have been a given...we normally stick with those we're comfortable with...or those with a very similar cultural background. However, that doesn't necessarily work in this program. The whole purpose was to break cultural barriers...
There is a small group of girls that have become quite separate from the group. It is incredibly difficult to approach them, they speak another language not switching to English to include everyone, and they don't seem to care to build relationships with anyone outside of this exclusive group. This has been particularly hard on me as one of the key players is my own CP. At first I was incredibly bothered by this. The reason I was so emotionally exhausted in my first few weeks here was because of the amount of energy I was putting into building a relationship with her despite no reciprocated effort. I do have new appreciation for the art of teeth pulling if anything.

It wasn't easy for me....especially considering how proud and impatient a person I can be. If anything, through this experience I am slowly seeing that I won't always get to choose the people I am surrounded with. My supervisors first described the CP relationship as an arranged marriage. Seriously. If this was an arranged marriage, I would have gotten it annulled in the first week. But it isn't, so that isn't an option. And for the moment, I have no choice but to stick this out. Though, do you have any idea how difficult it is to not give up on someone who has shown zero interest/desire in getting to know you? It's infuriating... 
It has gotten slightly better though (a month later). Though this is a result of many things...supervisor intervention....host family issues...observations from the group....
We'll see. I am still hopeful that things can, and will, change for the better. It would have been nice though if my CP was someone I could depend on...would have made the program so far slightly more bearable. 

 I haven't even begun to chip away at this iceberg that is representative of my feelings. Or gotten to the part I was most wanting to express. But I'm not really in the mood to write about it at the moment... 

My next blog will be entirely devoted to that particular topic. I tentatively promise.
Oh! One thing that did bring me joy this week was the EAD (Education Activity Day) that my group arranged. An EAD is exactly what it sounds like...and this particular day our topic was substance abuse. As the past few weeks of group meetings have been excruciatingly painful, we decided to make this less a feeling session and more an energizing activity. So we created the lesson around a scavenger hunt in which the participants were to gather information regarding substance abuse from different sources around town. I took it upon myself to create the clues and tasks. It ended up being quite the success. I'll attach a couple of the clues from the hunt:

1. Hospital
You come to me when you are weak,
When health does fail and help you seek
We'll do our best to fix you up
Even when your body has had enough
Once you're here, go through the doors
You'll find me on the basement floor
Go to the place where many meet,
There's plenty of room to find a seat.
Bring cash in case your stomach growls
I hear the lemon pie's no foul.

2. Alberta Addiction Centre (AADAC)
We aim to promote the health of all,
From harm by drugs or alcohol.
We offer help if you do ask,
Fighting addiction is no small task.
Support is here when you decide,
To kick the habit one last time.
For gambling we’ll support you too,
We’ll help you find another view
Located in the heart of town,
Right by the place where books are found.
If you’re still unsure to where I’m at,
The mailman knows all of the facts
Your next clue you’ll find in here,
We’re waiting for you to just appear

I love writing riddles. It makes me incredibly happy....I probably enjoyed writing them more than the people actually enjoyed doing the hunt. I should look into potential careers in the field of riddle creating. I'd make millions.

The rest of our EAD included a formal(ish) debate on safe injections sites and we also had a speaker come in from Hobbema, a first nations reserve close to Camrose. It was interesting, and a little sad, hearing accounts of the issues going on within the reserves. Out of a reserve of 10,000 residents, 1000 families on welfare, ridiculously high incidents of substance abuse, high rates of HIV/aids.....how this is happening in a developed country I will never understand.

So a song? Without fail, this one makes me really, really happy each time I listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpaPBCBjSVc&feature=channel
I thought I'd get tired of it after a month, but....nope!

Hope it makes you happy too.

Goodnight!