Hello.
This blog is going pick up somewhat from where the last one left off....
The pessimist that I am, I did end that posting on a hopeless note...but, I've neglected to include those moments of light...those soul lifting experiences that happen to come at just the right time. So let this blog be a tribute to just that.
Early in January, I experienced what was probably my lowest point during this entire program. I don't know if I can pinpoint any one specific moment, it was more a culmination of many things that lead to a breaking point. This breaking point occurred on one beautiful day when I went to the beach with some people I had just met. These people all happened to be white (a distinction I find you have to make here in South Africa) and the beach we went to was paradise. On the slopes leading up to the beach were situated breath taking mansions and, coincidentally, almost everyone present was white...with the exception of myself and a couple blacks and coloureds. I had never felt as self conscious as I did at that point. Though obvious, it was still very unsettling to be hit with the realization that I was dark skinned. I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin... It's an awful feeling that, because unlike other characteristics/traits that you can work at and improve, nothing you can ever do will change the colour you are.
This lead me to a very strange thought process. I went from being uncomfortable in my own skin to feeling that I truly was inferior because of the colour I was. I began to look at white people here and wonder if they would just over look me...not even take the time to get to know the person beneath the skin. And THEN, I started thinking about people back home and how they viewed me. I even went so far as to question the people I know (and love), and wonder if they think of me any less or look at me differently because of my appearance. I have had some similar moments, especially in elementary and high school, where I did feel inferior because of my colour. But I've long since grown out of that, or so I thought, and often forget that I am 'brown'.
I used to pride myself on the fact that I have friends that are every colour of the rainbow and from all corners of the world. Back home, colour does not stop me from getting to know an individual. But this thought process I speak about, it has caused a shift in the way I view the world. I will not be returning to Canada the same person. I know it exists, but I think I will constantly be on the look out for this silent racism, or colour typing, back home. It's amazing what South Africa does to a person...as someone told me here, it's almost a 'loss of innocence' that occurs...that, or is it naivety?
But, this is supposed to be an uplifting blog! Mind you, I do I have to put my experience into perspective so you can understand the full impact of the positive moments I've had. The day that I came into the city, specifically to go to church, and where I ended up meeting this guy and having a wonderful conversation, I also stumbled across a little piece of heaven in the form of a cafe. I was walking around looking for a place to sit, read, and think, but all the cafes I came across were closed except for one hidden in a crypt in St. George's Anglican Church (former home of Archbishop E. Desmond Tutu). As soon as I walked in I was greeted by a beautiful arched ceiling, candlelit space, and Vivaldi's 'Four Seasons'. I sat down, ordered my tea and felt immediately at peace. The server, whose name happens to be Sandra, noticed I wasn't from around here and starting making small talk. As soon as she realized I was living in Khayelitsha her face lit up and she told me about this NGO (Empilweni) she runs in the township, the only one that provides services of counseling to victims of physical and emotional abuse. She became even more excited when I knew exactly which organization she was referring too.
She sat down with me then and we got to talking. Turns out this woman had been a huge activist against the apartheid regime, working under Desmond himself, and has since continued her activism in various forms. She helped found the famous District 6 Museum, runs this Mental Health centre in Khayelitsha along with another street kid program in Cape Town, AND she runs the beautiful cafe at St. Georges. To add to her resume, the work she did in the past with the psychology behind those dealing with HIV/AIDS, lead her to research and define what 'stigma' actually meant...the definition she came up with, eventually taken up by the World Health Organization. Clearly this woman has quite a heart for the people, and does more than just talk about it....I could see the immense amount of passion she has for the people of this country, especially for those who are hurting.
Anyways. Talking with her was something like a spiritual experience in itself. She listened to my frustrations and understood my incomprehension. It was incredibly refreshing to see that there was someone from here so disturbed by the state of everything...not only that, she has devoted her entire life to doing something about it. She listened to everything I had to say, and made me feel like I wasn't crazy in feeling so unsettled by my experience. She spoke alot about the mental/emotional damage that was caused by the apartheid, the effects of which have become so ingrained in the people' s minds that it's become their very nature. This feeling of inferiority based on colour is something that won't go away easily, not within the current generations anyway. She also mentioned this process of 'black consciousness' that every black South African has to go through, and that there are two routes that this process can take. One leads to bitterness, anger, and denial while the other leads to acceptance and healing.
I have seen these routes played out in my group...and it has not been easy being a 'non-black' bystander. It's almost as though because I am not dark enough, I have no say in this process, have no right to play the victim and claim hurt, and will never understand what it is they've experience. True, I cannot claim to fully understand, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I don't want to. In a way I feel as though this inferiority is self perpetuated by those that are 'inferior'. As I mentioned before, the cycle will continue until the people themselves decide they want to stop it... However, if three months of being in South Africa had this much of a psychological impact...I can only imagine what it would be like for someone who has gone through this their entire life... Perhaps they can't just stop the cycle...they need healing. But, how they're going to get that and when? God only knows.
Anyways. Sandra has been a bit of a saving grace for me...she arrived at just the right time. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without her. Over the past few weeks she has helped me with this rather difficult process of learning, change, and acceptance. I believe, with all my heart, that she was placed in my life for a very specific purpose...meeting her was anything but coincidence. Not only that, but I have been attending this church in Town for over a month now and have become quite attached. I have NEVER felt so in tune with a church before...though it has everything to do with the pastor. He is without a doubt the most rational, intellectual, simple, and sensible religious speaker I have ever heard. I have yet to disagree with anything he's said, a lot of which I never expected to hear in a church service. I almost feel that every service I've attended has been thought out and written specifically for me...it's incredible really. Here is the link to the Sunday sermons...I recommend you give one of them a listen if you have the time (if you don't, make time): http://www.cmm.org.za/?page_id=190
I'm actually finishing up this blog immediately after having met with the pastor and having a far too short talk with him. I have been wanting to speak with him since I first walked into that church back in December. Let's just say that that conversation (and the past 1.5 months) has restored my faith in...my faith. I will have to make what he said (along with my thoughts) into another blog entirely but, I can't remember the last time I have felt so at peace with God... I've also lately been strongly reminded of the connection between my relationship with God and how alive I feel. I have never, and will never, be able to deny that link. I'm incredibly thankful to be aware of it too.
It's funny how I had to come all the way to South Africa to undergo this personal/spiritual/mental transformation. I guess that's usually how it works though, isn't it? I never would have learnt any of what I have here back home in Canada. How could I when I'm kept to busy to actually think about things, and when I surround myself with only that which gives me comfort. I believe that's why I left in the first place. I get restless easily, and so tired of being comfortable...back to this whole 'lingering nomad' bit... I was so desperate for a way out of that...for something to force me to change and be challenged. Well, I think it's safe to say that signing up for this program was definitely challenging....
So. Here it is. A song, a duet actually. One of the most beautiful combination of voices I have ever heard. It find this one especially healing...so the perfect fit for how I am feeling at the moment.
I leave for Canada this Friday. So...this is probably the last blog I will write in South Africa. I'll have to do a a final one upon my return...a debrief entry.
I guess I will be seeing you (some of you anyways) very soon....
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
My Process of Unsettlement
Hello again,
I have been alluding to this topic for quite some time now, but wasn't quite sure how to go about discussing it. Ever since I set foot in this country, I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. Perhaps the reason I haven't been able to turn my thoughts into words is because of the amount of processing needed to make sense of any of it...
I had an enlightening moment the other week. Not necessarily one that sheds light on these thoughts exactly, but it certainly made me feel a bit better. But before I go into that let me back up a bit...
When I first arrived, I mentioned how everything I saw was incredibly overwhelming. How, driving from the airport to our orientation campsite, we past many informal settlements that were filled to overflowing with shacks, while beautiful mansions stood in neighbouring communities. Though it's been over 1.5 months since I've been here, going from big cities to townships and back again gives me a shock each and every time...
It's strange really. Going from Khayelitsha to Cape Town city is like going from one country to another...from the third world to the first. And the majority of those in the city centre are white...or middle class blacks/coloureds. I have yet to see a white person that lives in a township, or who isn't in the middle class. And those taxis that I mentioned before...the ones I have grown rather fond of...you would never see a white person in one of those either. Such ways of living (townships, beat up taxis, side market stalls, labour jobs) are reserved for the blacks and coloureds.
I cannot fathom how people are able to live in these five story mansions situated on the most beautiful of beaches (check out Sea Point/Camps Bay area) and not feel just a little sick on the inside. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but in my very ignorant opinion, it's not right. Not only that, almost all of these wealthy still have 'domestic workers'...or what I would call servants. And they, of course, are all black.
What bothered me most though was the complacency that I find in most everyone I meet here. Black, coloured, white...it doesn't matter, I don't see people disturbed by any of this. It's as though everyone is thinking 'Things are the way they are...what am I to do about any of it?' Don't get me wrong. There are countless organizations with people working for them, who have dedicated their lives to reversing the damages of oppression and class segregation....but if the people themselves don't move themselves to take the first step, then is anything really going to change? I am a pessimist through and through. And living here has shaken me to the core...honestly, alot of the time, I feel as though South Africa is a lost cause.
I would have to be completely ignorant if I were to go on about how unjust were in South Africa, without acknowledging the root causes. It took years of systematic work to bring apartheid to the country...but it will take countless more to reverse it. The country is founded so solidly in this segregation...it wouldn't run at all if things were overturned in one day. I met a guy last week, which is where my enlightening begins, who was able to dialogue with me about these very things. Not only was he a white South African, he was also incredibly informed about the history of his country and the measures that are being taken now to move past that history.
What was interesting to me was to hear from the other side. For weeks now I have been inundated with the black perspective...I didn't stop to think that there was another side. He agreed that the state of things is unjust, and doesn't deny the fact that 'white'=wealth and 'black'=poverty. But the apartheid wasn't something wanted by majority, and it was thanks to a collective stand from all kinds of people that it came to an end. He explained how as whites are in this economically advantaged position, their taxes must provide for the rest of the country. However, they don't have the advantage in numbers, so they don't have a say in how those taxes are used. And it is a well accepted fact that there will only ever be a black leader in this country from now on. He explained that the ANC (African National Congress), are voted in again and again, because of the work that they did under Mandela. However, things have only gone downhill since that time. Education is failing, health care is a joke, and the numbers of those living in informal settlements is on the rise. The ANC is very good at talking, making a lot of promises, and reminding the people of the times of old. However they don't follow up with any of those promises. Still the majority votes for them. And they will continue to vote for them regardless of if another party would serve the country better...
There's actually an election next week. And in talking with the South African girls about who they were voting for and why, what was told to me was verified. Without a moment's hesitation, the girls told me they were voting for the ANC. Why? Because 1) it's in the family 2) Nelson Mandela 3) they will always be loyal to them 4) the other parties don't support blacks (?). When I asked them who the provincial representative was for the ANC, however, they couldn't reply. It's completely beyond me...makes me a little sick actually.
To me it sounds as though, because of the people's pride (not to mention a lot of hurt), the country will never get out of this mess. They would rather stay loyal to the ANC then let a white person in power. This guy went on to say that though he believes there should be redistribution of wealth and that a majority need support to move forward, change will only come when the people themselves decide to do something about it. Perhaps a government is only as corrupt as the people allow it to be. He isn't allowed to voice his complaints, however, because they are 'elitist concerns' (his words not mine). But then who's to say one's suffering is greater than another's?
I did feel a little sorry for him in the end. Though he is benefiting from white privilege, it seems his life is a rather suffocating one. First, though he contributes financially to his country, he has very little say in how it is run. Secondly, he is incredibly educated and aware of the state of his country...but, being white, does not have much power to do something about it. Last, and worse of all, is as he has a South African passport, his options are few when it comes to working/living abroad. To be so aware of how dismal your country is, and to see little hope of change, yet not have the freedom to go somewhere else and make a better life for yourself...I couldn't handle that. Thinking about that...I would rather be uneducated, have little privilege, and not be aware of a different way of living. You don't really know what you're missing in that case...do you? It's probably not right of me to say, but that's what I feel....
Anyways. I should draw this to a close. But not without a song, of course. Here is my current favorite instrumentalist group (by current I mean for over a year): Balmorhea. I was supposed to see them live last year, but they had to cancel. I was absolutely heartbroken. However! They have just released another cd and are off on a west coast tour. I have to trek to Seattle to see them, but I can't think of a better reason to head south than this. I guess this will be part of my re-integration process...
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.
Only three weeks left....
I have been alluding to this topic for quite some time now, but wasn't quite sure how to go about discussing it. Ever since I set foot in this country, I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. Perhaps the reason I haven't been able to turn my thoughts into words is because of the amount of processing needed to make sense of any of it...
I had an enlightening moment the other week. Not necessarily one that sheds light on these thoughts exactly, but it certainly made me feel a bit better. But before I go into that let me back up a bit...
When I first arrived, I mentioned how everything I saw was incredibly overwhelming. How, driving from the airport to our orientation campsite, we past many informal settlements that were filled to overflowing with shacks, while beautiful mansions stood in neighbouring communities. Though it's been over 1.5 months since I've been here, going from big cities to townships and back again gives me a shock each and every time...
It's strange really. Going from Khayelitsha to Cape Town city is like going from one country to another...from the third world to the first. And the majority of those in the city centre are white...or middle class blacks/coloureds. I have yet to see a white person that lives in a township, or who isn't in the middle class. And those taxis that I mentioned before...the ones I have grown rather fond of...you would never see a white person in one of those either. Such ways of living (townships, beat up taxis, side market stalls, labour jobs) are reserved for the blacks and coloureds.
I cannot fathom how people are able to live in these five story mansions situated on the most beautiful of beaches (check out Sea Point/Camps Bay area) and not feel just a little sick on the inside. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but in my very ignorant opinion, it's not right. Not only that, almost all of these wealthy still have 'domestic workers'...or what I would call servants. And they, of course, are all black.
What bothered me most though was the complacency that I find in most everyone I meet here. Black, coloured, white...it doesn't matter, I don't see people disturbed by any of this. It's as though everyone is thinking 'Things are the way they are...what am I to do about any of it?' Don't get me wrong. There are countless organizations with people working for them, who have dedicated their lives to reversing the damages of oppression and class segregation....but if the people themselves don't move themselves to take the first step, then is anything really going to change? I am a pessimist through and through. And living here has shaken me to the core...honestly, alot of the time, I feel as though South Africa is a lost cause.
I would have to be completely ignorant if I were to go on about how unjust were in South Africa, without acknowledging the root causes. It took years of systematic work to bring apartheid to the country...but it will take countless more to reverse it. The country is founded so solidly in this segregation...it wouldn't run at all if things were overturned in one day. I met a guy last week, which is where my enlightening begins, who was able to dialogue with me about these very things. Not only was he a white South African, he was also incredibly informed about the history of his country and the measures that are being taken now to move past that history.
What was interesting to me was to hear from the other side. For weeks now I have been inundated with the black perspective...I didn't stop to think that there was another side. He agreed that the state of things is unjust, and doesn't deny the fact that 'white'=wealth and 'black'=poverty. But the apartheid wasn't something wanted by majority, and it was thanks to a collective stand from all kinds of people that it came to an end. He explained how as whites are in this economically advantaged position, their taxes must provide for the rest of the country. However, they don't have the advantage in numbers, so they don't have a say in how those taxes are used. And it is a well accepted fact that there will only ever be a black leader in this country from now on. He explained that the ANC (African National Congress), are voted in again and again, because of the work that they did under Mandela. However, things have only gone downhill since that time. Education is failing, health care is a joke, and the numbers of those living in informal settlements is on the rise. The ANC is very good at talking, making a lot of promises, and reminding the people of the times of old. However they don't follow up with any of those promises. Still the majority votes for them. And they will continue to vote for them regardless of if another party would serve the country better...
There's actually an election next week. And in talking with the South African girls about who they were voting for and why, what was told to me was verified. Without a moment's hesitation, the girls told me they were voting for the ANC. Why? Because 1) it's in the family 2) Nelson Mandela 3) they will always be loyal to them 4) the other parties don't support blacks (?). When I asked them who the provincial representative was for the ANC, however, they couldn't reply. It's completely beyond me...makes me a little sick actually.
To me it sounds as though, because of the people's pride (not to mention a lot of hurt), the country will never get out of this mess. They would rather stay loyal to the ANC then let a white person in power. This guy went on to say that though he believes there should be redistribution of wealth and that a majority need support to move forward, change will only come when the people themselves decide to do something about it. Perhaps a government is only as corrupt as the people allow it to be. He isn't allowed to voice his complaints, however, because they are 'elitist concerns' (his words not mine). But then who's to say one's suffering is greater than another's?
I did feel a little sorry for him in the end. Though he is benefiting from white privilege, it seems his life is a rather suffocating one. First, though he contributes financially to his country, he has very little say in how it is run. Secondly, he is incredibly educated and aware of the state of his country...but, being white, does not have much power to do something about it. Last, and worse of all, is as he has a South African passport, his options are few when it comes to working/living abroad. To be so aware of how dismal your country is, and to see little hope of change, yet not have the freedom to go somewhere else and make a better life for yourself...I couldn't handle that. Thinking about that...I would rather be uneducated, have little privilege, and not be aware of a different way of living. You don't really know what you're missing in that case...do you? It's probably not right of me to say, but that's what I feel....
Anyways. I should draw this to a close. But not without a song, of course. Here is my current favorite instrumentalist group (by current I mean for over a year): Balmorhea. I was supposed to see them live last year, but they had to cancel. I was absolutely heartbroken. However! They have just released another cd and are off on a west coast tour. I have to trek to Seattle to see them, but I can't think of a better reason to head south than this. I guess this will be part of my re-integration process...
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.
Only three weeks left....
Friday, January 7, 2011
One More Thing...
I realized I never posted a song for the last blog. So here it is. It's not a South Africa artist, but she's from the same continent...close enough...
Saw a music video for this song a few weeks back and fell in love.
Just for kicks, I'm also going to post that ridiculously annoying song that plays at least once every hour in every shabeen (bar), store, and taxi in Khayelitsha. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't played so friggin' much.... But at least now you all have a taste of South African 'black' house music.
Enjoy?
Saw a music video for this song a few weeks back and fell in love.
Just for kicks, I'm also going to post that ridiculously annoying song that plays at least once every hour in every shabeen (bar), store, and taxi in Khayelitsha. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't played so friggin' much.... But at least now you all have a taste of South African 'black' house music.
Enjoy?
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