Hello.
This blog is going pick up somewhat from where the last one left off....
The pessimist that I am, I did end that posting on a hopeless note...but, I've neglected to include those moments of light...those soul lifting experiences that happen to come at just the right time. So let this blog be a tribute to just that.
Early in January, I experienced what was probably my lowest point during this entire program. I don't know if I can pinpoint any one specific moment, it was more a culmination of many things that lead to a breaking point. This breaking point occurred on one beautiful day when I went to the beach with some people I had just met. These people all happened to be white (a distinction I find you have to make here in South Africa) and the beach we went to was paradise. On the slopes leading up to the beach were situated breath taking mansions and, coincidentally, almost everyone present was white...with the exception of myself and a couple blacks and coloureds. I had never felt as self conscious as I did at that point. Though obvious, it was still very unsettling to be hit with the realization that I was dark skinned. I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin... It's an awful feeling that, because unlike other characteristics/traits that you can work at and improve, nothing you can ever do will change the colour you are.
This lead me to a very strange thought process. I went from being uncomfortable in my own skin to feeling that I truly was inferior because of the colour I was. I began to look at white people here and wonder if they would just over look me...not even take the time to get to know the person beneath the skin. And THEN, I started thinking about people back home and how they viewed me. I even went so far as to question the people I know (and love), and wonder if they think of me any less or look at me differently because of my appearance. I have had some similar moments, especially in elementary and high school, where I did feel inferior because of my colour. But I've long since grown out of that, or so I thought, and often forget that I am 'brown'.
I used to pride myself on the fact that I have friends that are every colour of the rainbow and from all corners of the world. Back home, colour does not stop me from getting to know an individual. But this thought process I speak about, it has caused a shift in the way I view the world. I will not be returning to Canada the same person. I know it exists, but I think I will constantly be on the look out for this silent racism, or colour typing, back home. It's amazing what South Africa does to a person...as someone told me here, it's almost a 'loss of innocence' that occurs...that, or is it naivety?
But, this is supposed to be an uplifting blog! Mind you, I do I have to put my experience into perspective so you can understand the full impact of the positive moments I've had. The day that I came into the city, specifically to go to church, and where I ended up meeting this guy and having a wonderful conversation, I also stumbled across a little piece of heaven in the form of a cafe. I was walking around looking for a place to sit, read, and think, but all the cafes I came across were closed except for one hidden in a crypt in St. George's Anglican Church (former home of Archbishop E. Desmond Tutu). As soon as I walked in I was greeted by a beautiful arched ceiling, candlelit space, and Vivaldi's 'Four Seasons'. I sat down, ordered my tea and felt immediately at peace. The server, whose name happens to be Sandra, noticed I wasn't from around here and starting making small talk. As soon as she realized I was living in Khayelitsha her face lit up and she told me about this NGO (Empilweni) she runs in the township, the only one that provides services of counseling to victims of physical and emotional abuse. She became even more excited when I knew exactly which organization she was referring too.
She sat down with me then and we got to talking. Turns out this woman had been a huge activist against the apartheid regime, working under Desmond himself, and has since continued her activism in various forms. She helped found the famous District 6 Museum, runs this Mental Health centre in Khayelitsha along with another street kid program in Cape Town, AND she runs the beautiful cafe at St. Georges. To add to her resume, the work she did in the past with the psychology behind those dealing with HIV/AIDS, lead her to research and define what 'stigma' actually meant...the definition she came up with, eventually taken up by the World Health Organization. Clearly this woman has quite a heart for the people, and does more than just talk about it....I could see the immense amount of passion she has for the people of this country, especially for those who are hurting.
Anyways. Talking with her was something like a spiritual experience in itself. She listened to my frustrations and understood my incomprehension. It was incredibly refreshing to see that there was someone from here so disturbed by the state of everything...not only that, she has devoted her entire life to doing something about it. She listened to everything I had to say, and made me feel like I wasn't crazy in feeling so unsettled by my experience. She spoke alot about the mental/emotional damage that was caused by the apartheid, the effects of which have become so ingrained in the people' s minds that it's become their very nature. This feeling of inferiority based on colour is something that won't go away easily, not within the current generations anyway. She also mentioned this process of 'black consciousness' that every black South African has to go through, and that there are two routes that this process can take. One leads to bitterness, anger, and denial while the other leads to acceptance and healing.
I have seen these routes played out in my group...and it has not been easy being a 'non-black' bystander. It's almost as though because I am not dark enough, I have no say in this process, have no right to play the victim and claim hurt, and will never understand what it is they've experience. True, I cannot claim to fully understand, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I don't want to. In a way I feel as though this inferiority is self perpetuated by those that are 'inferior'. As I mentioned before, the cycle will continue until the people themselves decide they want to stop it... However, if three months of being in South Africa had this much of a psychological impact...I can only imagine what it would be like for someone who has gone through this their entire life... Perhaps they can't just stop the cycle...they need healing. But, how they're going to get that and when? God only knows.
Anyways. Sandra has been a bit of a saving grace for me...she arrived at just the right time. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without her. Over the past few weeks she has helped me with this rather difficult process of learning, change, and acceptance. I believe, with all my heart, that she was placed in my life for a very specific purpose...meeting her was anything but coincidence. Not only that, but I have been attending this church in Town for over a month now and have become quite attached. I have NEVER felt so in tune with a church before...though it has everything to do with the pastor. He is without a doubt the most rational, intellectual, simple, and sensible religious speaker I have ever heard. I have yet to disagree with anything he's said, a lot of which I never expected to hear in a church service. I almost feel that every service I've attended has been thought out and written specifically for me...it's incredible really. Here is the link to the Sunday sermons...I recommend you give one of them a listen if you have the time (if you don't, make time): http://www.cmm.org.za/?page_id=190
I'm actually finishing up this blog immediately after having met with the pastor and having a far too short talk with him. I have been wanting to speak with him since I first walked into that church back in December. Let's just say that that conversation (and the past 1.5 months) has restored my faith in...my faith. I will have to make what he said (along with my thoughts) into another blog entirely but, I can't remember the last time I have felt so at peace with God... I've also lately been strongly reminded of the connection between my relationship with God and how alive I feel. I have never, and will never, be able to deny that link. I'm incredibly thankful to be aware of it too.
It's funny how I had to come all the way to South Africa to undergo this personal/spiritual/mental transformation. I guess that's usually how it works though, isn't it? I never would have learnt any of what I have here back home in Canada. How could I when I'm kept to busy to actually think about things, and when I surround myself with only that which gives me comfort. I believe that's why I left in the first place. I get restless easily, and so tired of being comfortable...back to this whole 'lingering nomad' bit... I was so desperate for a way out of that...for something to force me to change and be challenged. Well, I think it's safe to say that signing up for this program was definitely challenging....
So. Here it is. A song, a duet actually. One of the most beautiful combination of voices I have ever heard. It find this one especially healing...so the perfect fit for how I am feeling at the moment.
I leave for Canada this Friday. So...this is probably the last blog I will write in South Africa. I'll have to do a a final one upon my return...a debrief entry.
I guess I will be seeing you (some of you anyways) very soon....
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