A Record of Feelings (Part 2)

I'm not feeling particularly inspired this evening. But if I don't write now, then I probably won't for quite awhile and I barely remember how I felt a week ago as it is....

This post is supposed to be on feelings...so here goes.

 There have been quite a few moments over the past couple weeks where I have questioned why I am here, and considered (though fleetingly) how I might be able to just leave... I'm not quite sure if I'm happy here. For the moment I'm content, but life wasn't meant to be lived contentedly. I'd rather be living out an extreme....

 Some things that have contributed to my feeling this way have been the group itself and all the issues that come with it. From my first week in Camrose I have felt that there were some girls in particular that had less interest or drive to be in the program. Now over a month in and that feeling hasn't changed one bit. If anything their attitude seems to have gotten worse....
Normally I wouldn't be bothered by people's disinterest..but when it's in a situation like this, where a group functions only through active participation from everyone, it really starts to take its toll. That and when I consider what I gave up back home to be here...and that I am giving my all in this program, it makes me more than a little pissed. If I could know the reasons for why people are here in the first place....was it to experience a new way of life, to give to community, or was it a free ticket out of the country? The whole group is being affected by what's going on. And honestly speaking, I'm not sure how long I can tolerate the lack of interest and presence that some people are showing....to me the way people are treating this program is just disrespectful to those in the group that want to be here...

 Another thing that ties in with this issue is the division that has formed within the group. I guess this should have been a given...we normally stick with those we're comfortable with...or those with a very similar cultural background. However, that doesn't necessarily work in this program. The whole purpose was to break cultural barriers...
There is a small group of girls that have become quite separate from the group. It is incredibly difficult to approach them, they speak another language not switching to English to include everyone, and they don't seem to care to build relationships with anyone outside of this exclusive group. This has been particularly hard on me as one of the key players is my own CP. At first I was incredibly bothered by this. The reason I was so emotionally exhausted in my first few weeks here was because of the amount of energy I was putting into building a relationship with her despite no reciprocated effort. I do have new appreciation for the art of teeth pulling if anything.

It wasn't easy for me....especially considering how proud and impatient a person I can be. If anything, through this experience I am slowly seeing that I won't always get to choose the people I am surrounded with. My supervisors first described the CP relationship as an arranged marriage. Seriously. If this was an arranged marriage, I would have gotten it annulled in the first week. But it isn't, so that isn't an option. And for the moment, I have no choice but to stick this out. Though, do you have any idea how difficult it is to not give up on someone who has shown zero interest/desire in getting to know you? It's infuriating... 
It has gotten slightly better though (a month later). Though this is a result of many things...supervisor intervention....host family issues...observations from the group....
We'll see. I am still hopeful that things can, and will, change for the better. It would have been nice though if my CP was someone I could depend on...would have made the program so far slightly more bearable. 

 I haven't even begun to chip away at this iceberg that is representative of my feelings. Or gotten to the part I was most wanting to express. But I'm not really in the mood to write about it at the moment... 

My next blog will be entirely devoted to that particular topic. I tentatively promise.
Oh! One thing that did bring me joy this week was the EAD (Education Activity Day) that my group arranged. An EAD is exactly what it sounds like...and this particular day our topic was substance abuse. As the past few weeks of group meetings have been excruciatingly painful, we decided to make this less a feeling session and more an energizing activity. So we created the lesson around a scavenger hunt in which the participants were to gather information regarding substance abuse from different sources around town. I took it upon myself to create the clues and tasks. It ended up being quite the success. I'll attach a couple of the clues from the hunt:

1. Hospital
You come to me when you are weak,
When health does fail and help you seek
We'll do our best to fix you up
Even when your body has had enough
Once you're here, go through the doors
You'll find me on the basement floor
Go to the place where many meet,
There's plenty of room to find a seat.
Bring cash in case your stomach growls
I hear the lemon pie's no foul.

2. Alberta Addiction Centre (AADAC)
We aim to promote the health of all,
From harm by drugs or alcohol.
We offer help if you do ask,
Fighting addiction is no small task.
Support is here when you decide,
To kick the habit one last time.
For gambling we’ll support you too,
We’ll help you find another view
Located in the heart of town,
Right by the place where books are found.
If you’re still unsure to where I’m at,
The mailman knows all of the facts
Your next clue you’ll find in here,
We’re waiting for you to just appear

I love writing riddles. It makes me incredibly happy....I probably enjoyed writing them more than the people actually enjoyed doing the hunt. I should look into potential careers in the field of riddle creating. I'd make millions.

The rest of our EAD included a formal(ish) debate on safe injections sites and we also had a speaker come in from Hobbema, a first nations reserve close to Camrose. It was interesting, and a little sad, hearing accounts of the issues going on within the reserves. Out of a reserve of 10,000 residents, 1000 families on welfare, ridiculously high incidents of substance abuse, high rates of HIV/aids.....how this is happening in a developed country I will never understand.

So a song? Without fail, this one makes me really, really happy each time I listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpaPBCBjSVc&feature=channel
I thought I'd get tired of it after a month, but....nope!

Hope it makes you happy too.

Goodnight!