Chasing After The Wind

So, once again I am falling behind in my blog updates.
 
There is so much to say yet I never have any idea how or where to start. On the plus side, I have been writing in my journal more. I think I have a grand total of five entries semi-completed since I've arrived in South Africa!! 

As for updates. Life is moving along here in Khayelitsha. Some interesting events that have happened in the past few weeks....
I've had a few unnerving experiences living in this township. There's no escaping the fact that we are outsiders and everyone knows it. I'm not supposed to be going around alone, but sometimes I don't have any other choice. I was leaving the 'mall' which is situated in one of the sketchiest places in Khayelitsha, known as Site B...also an informal settlement, and was stopped by some police. Now, I don't know who I'm more afraid of...thugs..or police. I'm told the cops (especially 'blacks' and 'coloureds') are more corrupt than anyone else. Anyways, they stopped me and started questioning what I was doing outside on my own. I answered briefly and tried to keep going but they just followed me in the car, still questioning me, until one of the cops got out. Not going to lie. I was pretty terrified. He tells me to get in the car...then laughs and says 'Don't worry, we're not going to arrest you'. I didn't really have a choice at this point so I got in and just prayed as they drove off... Thankfully there is little more to report...after hitting on me, they dropped me off right outside my door.

Apparently Herbi and I almost got mugged walking down a main street...once again by Site B. This woman comes up behind us and asks us what we were thinking and didn't we see those guys. Turns out a group of guys were about to rob us, but walked past and got the people a little ways behind us. I had no idea.... She told me God was watching over us. I have to agree with her on that one.

Besides that, I cannot walk anywhere in Khayelitsha without being cat called or followed..that and cars constantly stop and tell us to get in. I think the most important thing for me is acting confident even when I'm not. That and brisk walking seems to help too...

Anyways! Christmas has come and gone. I'm thankful it's over, honestly speaking. It was the one day I was looking forward to least of all. My actual Christmas was uneventful. I did get to talk to my family which was nice...and I did get some calls from friends too. But I just pretended it was any other day....
Christmas Eve on the other hand was wonderful! I spent the day with my favorite person on the African continent...Herbi. I won't go into details, but the day involved a delicious lunch, Harry Potter, a sail boat, and cheese cake. I couldn't have had a better day...and it definitely took our minds off of things for at least a few hours...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of feeling too. One thing I've been lacking in, to the point where I don't feel complete, is my spirituality. It was the same during the Alberta phase...but I've felt that absence much stronger since I've been here. It probably has to do with the fact that I haven't been attending a church...but more importantly I haven't been sharing my spiritual life with anybody since I've been here... It's funny (yet not at all) how I always come back to this point. My life is completely meaningless without my faith, as irrational as that faith might be. And no matter how many arguments I hear, far more sound than my own, that are against my beliefs....nothing else makes sense to me. That and I cannot shake this feeling of being incomplete the more I am lacking in my spiritual life...things just aren't right then...

Anyways. I didn't mean to make this a rant, but my brother recommended I read Ecclesiastes...so that is what I'm doing (very slowly).  Thought I would put down some thoughts I had along the way.
'No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are never content'
-Ecclesiastes 1:8b
'I devoted myself to search for understanding and to explore by wisdom everything being done under heaven. I soon discovered that God has dealt a tragic existence to the human race.  I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless—like chasing the wind.'
-Ecclesiastes 1:13-14 

I know I'm not the only one in human existence, that has felt these words align so perfectly with my own thoughts...yet I can't help but feel like I am alone in this at the same time. Right now I'm at that point of analyzing my life and what lies ahead of me...and all I can see is how meaningless everything is. What little I've accomplished...all that I want to achieve...what good is it for? 
I like to ask questions. I want to know why things are the way they are. Sometimes I think it a curse that I am this way...I can definitely relate to the author when he says no matter what he sees or hears, he's never satisfied. 

Another thing I've been frustrated with lately is prayer. Well, not lately...almost my entire life. I'm starting to think that I don't know how to pray at all. My prayers are in the form of thoughts. But, my mind constantly wanders, and before I know it, I'll end up day dreaming instead. I've been asking myself more and more what the reason for prayer is anyways...why do I bother?
I came across this quote in a church in Town...I guess it makes a better attempt at answering the question than I could...

'The world is aflame with evil and atrocity; the scandal of perpetual desecration of the world cries to high heaven. And we, coming face-to-face with it, are either involved as callous participants or, at best, remain indifferent onlookers....
We pray because the disproportion of human misery and human compassion is so enormous. We pray because our grasp of the depth of suffering is comparable to the scope of perception of a butterfly flying over the Grand Canyon. We pray because of the experience of the dreadful incompatibility of how we live and what we sense.'
-Abraham Joshua Heschel

I found that comforting...especially the part about our incompatibility. Maybe I'm not alone in this after all.

It looks as though I'm going to have to leave my thoughts on racial segregation and the wounds of South Africa to another blog...or perhaps I'm going to have to turn that one into a book....

I have six weeks left here. I am not looking forward to leaving this country, yet..I'm also a little tired of it too...
It would seem I'm not satisified no matter where I go!

Until next time...